1. Has your heart ever pounded in your chest?
No, it usually pounds in my lower back.
2. What is your favorite band?
The band I prefer above all others
3. Do you like happy endings?
I don’t frequent massage parlors, thank you
4. Do you believe Alaska is covered in snow?
Of course not. That’s cocaine.
5. Are you ever purposely irritating?
If you’re allergic to my awesomeness, that’s not my fault
6. What’s your darkest secret?
The one that could send me to either prison or Hell. Likely both.
7. If a blind guy/girl started hitting on you, what would you do?
“I’m flattered, but no thank you. And it’s not because you’re blind. It’s because I’m not into guy/girls. I’m a hardline heterosexual. Good luck to you.”
8. Do you speak your mind?
No, but I do listen my foot and run my hair.
9. Ever been caught naked?
No, I’m quite slippery when naked. I squirt through your fingers like the greased-up deaf guy from Family Guy.
10. Name the stupidest thing you’ve ever done
Ok. I’ll call it ‘Hank.’
11. You ever lied to your parents?
No. Never. Not once. Who needs to lie to their parents? Certainly not while I was a teenager or a toddler or anything. I can’t think of a single solitary child who has ever had occasion to lie to their parents. Ever.
12. Can you outrun a bus?
I can outrun anything as long as it’s going slow enough
13. Have your feelings changed throughout your life?
No, I’ve always felt exactly like this, in every situation, at every age, no matter what. My wedding day was the exact same as the day my timing belt broke and the day I played sick from work.
14. Why do you think bad things happen to good people?
Probably because they did something to anger God
15. What’s in your underwear drawer?
Old McRib wrappers and flea & tick shampoo
16. What’s in the trunk of your car?
3,245 copies of Game Boy's ‘Zelda’ and some aluminum foil
17. Have you ever been on drugs and not known why?
18. Have you ever been beaten up because you weren’t cool enough?
No, I only got beaten up for being too cool. Too popular, they say. Too talented and awesome.
19. Have you ever not had a roof above your head?
No, I carry one with me wherever I go. The pool, the mailbox, yard sales, the grocery store…
20. Did you ever have to live without seeing one of your birth parents?
Never. One (if not both) is within my line of sight at all times, even when I am asleep.