A day of Paraprosdokians

A “Paraprosdokian” is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to reframe or reinterpret the first part.

This is just for fun, because someone on the forums started a thread of these, and sarcasm makes me happy.  Feel free to add your own in the comments.  The first one is my favorite. 

· “I have the heart of a small boy. It is in a glass jar on my desk.” – Stephen King

· “I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my father, not screaming and terrified like his passengers.” — Bob Monkhouse

· "I like going to the park and watching the children run around because they don't know I'm using blanks." —Emo Phillips

· “I only know two tunes: one of them is ‘Yankee Doodle,’ and the other one isn’t.” –Ulysses S. Grant

· "If all the girls who attended the Yale prom were laid end to end, I wouldn't be a bit surprised." —Dorothy Parker

· "I've had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it." —Groucho Marx

· "A modest man, who has much to be modest about." —Winston Churchill

· “She looks as though she's been poured into her clothes, and forgot to say 'when'." —P. G. Wodehouse

· "If I could say a few words, I'd be a better public speaker." —Homer Simpson

· "I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long." —Mitch Hedberg

· "I sleep eight hours a day and at least ten at night." —Bill Hicks

· Where there’s a will, I want to be in it.

· I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

· Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car

· The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

· The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on my list.

· When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the fire department usually uses water.

· Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

· If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

· Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

· Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

· To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

· If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.

· Some people are like slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.

· Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.

· A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.

· Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut and still think they are sexy.

· I discovered that I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured
by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot