Thursday, March 10, 2011

New try at an old query

AW loathed my query for Eyes of Stone.  (Sad face)  And although it's gotten me a couple of partial requests, it ain't sold until it's sold, and I got a looong list of agents who rejected it, so I'm coming at it from a different angle this time.  What do you say, O bloggers?  Offer your thoughts, suggestions, rewrites, condemnations, etc. here. 

I'd like to return the favor, but, sadly, my query skills are more pathetic than two shivering puppies nuzzling their dead mother in the rain.  However, I seem to have a slightly less crippling failure rate with synopses (although my patience for them is rather slim), so if you can whittle your synopsis down to about 1,000 words, you may send it to me and I will do my best to destroy it for you.

Anyway, here is the newest version of the new query letter for your amusement:

        Anaiiya always believed she was human—until she awakened covered in blood with no memory of how she killed the thirty men scattered all around her.  Her demonic heritage, unknown to her and dormant for over twenty years, stirs to life at her first taste of bloodshed and compels her to ever-greater acts of violence.

The gargoyles, monstrous-looking warriors who are incapacitated by sunlight, have depended on Anaiiya for their daytime protection ever since she saved them from an attack by pro-human fanatics.  But if she loses control of the bloodthirsty compulsions that plague her, she could kill her new family herself.  

She fights against her own nature even as it grants her strange powers that could make it easier to defend her tribe.  She is strong enough to crumble stone into powder.  Blood obeys her every command.  But every time she uses these abilities, the darkness within grows a little stronger and the violent urges a little harder to resist.

Her burgeoning powers catch the attention of another creature:  A creature of black magic who wants Anaiiya’s powers for himself.  Now her only hope to save her family from monsters may be to become one herself.

4 comments:

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  2. Hi Beckah-Rah! Found your blog on AbsoluteWrite, and I'm new to blogging myself. This query letter sounds awesome, and I wish you the best of luck with it. I would definitely pick up this one off the shelves...

    (See, I'm so new to blogging that I've already tried to post a comment and screwed it up... ;))

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  3. no problem, LisAnn...I've been there myself! I wish there was a feature to just edit comments instead of deleting them. Following you back! :D

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  4. Over all, I think this is a pretty good query letter. Loved the first paragraph. I was a little confused about her relationship with the G's in the second paragraph. I think it would be cool to add why she wants to protect them - why does she consider them family?
    The second and third paragraph didn't flow into each other. In fact, I think the 3rd paragraph almost fits better right after the 1st.

    Loved the last line.

    Something you may be interested in, I use an editor to professionally edit my query letters. She's only $30 and works with it a few times to get it right. I really like her. Let me know if you want her contact info.

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