This is based on a 'what not to do' piece I wrote for the QueryTracker forum, just zjhoozjhed up a bit. And yes, I totally made that into a word. Zjhoozjh. It happened. Wrap your mind around that, and enjoy Mary Sue's adventure until your head explodes from all the exclamation points.
Dear Agents, Publishers, and Oprah…
Mary Sue is the most beautiful sixteen-year-old girl at her high school. She’s a genius with the voice of an angel who plays ten instruments and speaks seventeen languages! Puppies, kittens, bunnies, and baby birds all follow her around because they can sense how pure and wonderful she is! She sings in her church choir, works at a soup kitchen every Saturday, and babysits her four brothers and sisters while her single mother works three jobs after their abusive father went to prison! She is beloved by all…so why does everyone hate her so much!?
Ashley, the leader of the rich girls’ clique, bullies Mary Sue constantly because she’s soooo totally jealous! She dumps garbage and dog food into Mary Sue’s gorgeous golden hair, steals her scholarship to art school, and calls her names until everyone else hates Mary Sue for being so popular, too! Then Mary Sue’s lost evil twin Julie Sue, separated from her at birth, joins forces with Ashley, and now everyone thinks Mary Sue is a slut! But that's so not true, because she’s totally saving herself for marriage!
Then Ashley’s hunky football-star boyfriend Hunter, who is also a brooding thousand-year-old vampire who never feeds on human blood and is immune to sunlight, falls in love with Mary Sue! With the power of true love on her side, Mary Sue develops magical powers that she only uses for Good! Everyone finally realizes how wrong they were to hate Mary Sue, even Ashley. Then Hunter reveals he is the Prince of the fairies and marries Mary Sue, making her a real-life fairy princess! Also there’s angels and werewolves.
Mary Sue’s Magical Adventure is currently 347,821 words long, but I’m still working on it so it will change. It’s a YA fantasy/adventure/literary/paranormal/regency/mystery/historical fiction novel, and it reads like Harry Potter, the Clique, and Twilight combined, only better!
This book will sell BILLIONS of copies! I wanted you to get in on the ground floor because I saw on your website that you represent several New York Times bestselling authors, and I knew you wouldn’t want to pass this up! But don’t worry; if there are any mistakes, you can totally catch them in editing. I trust you.
I have at least five more books in mind, because I've had a LOT of bullies and they all need to learn to stop being mean to people. Especially me! So when do you want the manuscript? It's all in Old English Text font, because I want you to really feel how mature the book is. Even though it's still in its first draft, and I haven't actually finished it yet, you'll be so hooked to Mary Sue you'll want to sell it from chapter two.
Don’t wait too long, though! There are hundreds of agents out there who will snap this series up in a second, if you’re stupid enough to pass. I'll give you 6 hours to request to read the whole thing, and then you’re out of luck. This is a business, and I’m offering to hire you. Don’t screw this up for yourself, especially in this economy!
LOL this was hilarious. Funnier still is that I bet agents get queries like this all the time!ReplyDelete
Oh, I saw this on AW, and I laughed all my way through it!ReplyDelete
Sometimes I wonder if I'd have patience to be a lit. agent... Probably not.
I am soooo naming my first-born* Mary Sue.ReplyDelete
*That whole menopause thing notwithstanding.