1. What is the most overrated thing in your opinion?
Please. If anything, all of my opinions are underrated.
2. What color is your comforter?
Well, my husband is white but of Hispanic descent, and my dogs are black and white and golden brown.
3. How long have you lived in your house?
I’ve never lived in my house. I live either on top of it or beneath it (and sometimes off to one side), but always outside.
4. Is this your hometown?
No, this is the internet.
5. How many times have you moved?
Several quadrillion, I imagine. I'm probably moving right now.
6. What’s your mom’s name?
What her friends call her.
7. Do you have any half siblings?
No, they’re all in one piece. Surely I’d have heard about it if they were not.
8. Do you have a computer?
No, I’m just imposing my psychic will onto the internet. I actually have no idea if it’s working or what, if anything, is showing up. I hope it’s nothing too pornographic. That might be embarrassing.
9. What’s your favorite possession?
I can't actually possess anything, as I am not a demon. But if I were, I think it would be birds. Then I could fly around and stuff, although I doubt I'd care for the eating bugs part.
10. Do you have any pictures of your friends in frames?
Yes, although it took some mighty fine kickboxing moves to get them to hold up those frames while I took their pictures.
11. Any stuffed animals?
I find taxidermy unsettling.
12. Do you like politics?
Only as a friend.
13. Are you using a laptop or desktop computer?
See answer to #8.
14. What are your hobbies?
Things I do to amuse myself.
15. Do you think you are a hypochondriac?
It’s not hypochondria if you really are sick . You’ll be sorry one day; you’ll walk in to find me lying in a pool of Lyme disease, ebola, prostate/testicular/ovarian cancer, that crazy rare Mothman Prophesy tumor thingy, and hysterical pregnancy. THEN we’ll see who’s faking, won’t we?
16. How do you use Febreeze?
I freebase it.
17. Is the sun shining?
No, it's quite dull. Almost matte. If anything, it's devouring light.
18. Would you ever smile at a stranger?
No, I just attack them.
19. Can you blow and tie up a balloon?
That’s disgusting. I mean, I’m sure I COULD, but that’s gotta be illegal.
20. Do you flush the toilet?
Never. I wait for the toilet fairy to come along and do it for me.
Send me your questions, and they just might become a part of my next 'Creativity Exercise!'
Friday, July 15, 2011
Thursday, July 14, 2011
If you are (or want to be) an Evil Overlord...
Too good not to share!!
Being an Evil Overlord seems to be a good career choice. It pays well, there are all sorts of perks and you can set your own hours. However every Evil Overlord I've read about in books or seen in movies invariably gets overthrown and destroyed in the end. I've noticed that no matter whether they are barbarian lords, deranged wizards, mad scientists or alien invaders, they always seem to make the same basic mistakes every single time. With that in mind, allow me to present...
The Top 100 Things I'd Do
1. My Legions of Terror will have helmets with clear plexiglass visors, not face-concealing ones.
2. My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.
3. My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.
4. Shooting is not too good for my enemies.
5. The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box. The same applies to the object which is my one weakness.
6. I will not gloat over my enemies' predicament before killing them.
7. When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?" I'll say, "No." and shoot him. No, on second thought I'll shoot him then say "No."
8. After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks' time during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out.
9. I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labelled "Danger: Do Not Push". The big red button marked "Do Not Push" will instead trigger a spray of bullets on anyone stupid enough to disregard it. Similarly, the ON/OFF switch will not clearly be labelled as such.
10. I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum -- a small hotel well outside my borders will work just as well.
11. I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat.
12. One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation.
13. All slain enemies will be cremated, or at least have several rounds of ammunition emptied into them, not left for dead at the bottom of the cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal.
14. The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other form of last request.
15. I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his plan into operation.
16. I will never utter the sentence "But before I kill you, there's just one thing I want to know."
17. When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to their advice.
18. I will not have a son. Although his laughably under-planned attempt to usurp power would easily fail, it would provide a fatal distraction at a crucial point in time.
19. I will not have a daughter. She would be as beautiful as she was evil, but one look at the hero's rugged countenance and she'd betray her own father.
20. Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it's too easy to miss unexpected developments that a more attentive individual could adjust to accordingly.
21. I will hire a talented fashion designer to create original uniforms for my Legions of Terror, as opposed to some cheap knock-offs that make them look like Nazi stormtroopers, Roman footsoldiers, or savage Mongol hordes. All were eventually defeated and I want my troops to have a more positive mind-set.
22. No matter how tempted I am with the prospect of unlimited power, I will not consume any energy field bigger than my head.
23. I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons and train my troops in their use. That way -- even if the heroes manage to neutralize my power generator and/or render the standard-issue energy weapons useless -- my troops will not be overrun by a handful of savages armed with spears and rocks.
24. I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strengths and weaknesses. Even though this takes some of the fun out of the job, at least I will never utter the line "No, this cannot be! I AM INVINCIBLE!!!" (After that, death is usually instantaneous.)
25. No matter how well it would perform, I will never construct any sort of machinery which is completely indestructible except for one small and virtually inaccessible vulnerable spot.
26. No matter how attractive certain members of the rebellion are, there is probably someone just as attractive who is not desperate to kill me. Therefore, I will think twice before ordering a prisoner sent to my bedchamber.
27. I will never build only one of anything important. All important systems will have redundant control panels and power supplies. For the same reason I will always carry at least two fully loaded weapons at all times.
28. My pet monster will be kept in a secure cage from which it cannot escape and into which I could not accidentally stumble.
29. I will dress in bright and cheery colors, and so throw my enemies into confusion.
30. All bumbling conjurers, clumsy squires, no-talent bards, and cowardly thieves in the land will be preemptively put to death. My foes will surely give up and abandon their quest if they have no source of comic relief.
31. All naive, busty tavern wenches in my realm will be replaced with surly, world-weary waitresses who will provide no unexpected reinforcement and/or romantic subplot for the hero or his sidekick.
32. I will not fly into a rage and kill a messenger who brings me bad news just to illustrate how evil I really am. Good messengers are hard to come by.
33. I won't require high-ranking female members of my organization to wear a stainless-steel bustier. Morale is better with a more casual dress-code. Similarly, outfits made entirely from black leather will be reserved for formal occasions.
34. I will not turn into a snake. It never helps.
35. I will not grow a goatee. In the old days they made you look diabolic. Now they just make you look like a disaffected member of Generation X.
36. I will not imprison members of the same party in the same cell block, let alone the same cell. If they are important prisoners, I will keep the only key to the cell door on my person instead of handing out copies to every bottom-rung guard in the prison.
37. If my trusted lieutenant tells me my Legions of Terror are losing a battle, I will believe him. After all, he's my trusted lieutenant.
38. If an enemy I have just killed has a younger sibling or offspring anywhere, I will find them and have them killed immediately, instead of waiting for them to grow up harboring feelings of vengeance towards me in my old age.
39. If I absolutely must ride into battle, I will certainly not ride at the forefront of my Legions of Terror, nor will I seek out my opposite number among his army.
40. I will be neither chivalrous nor sporting. If I have an unstoppable superweapon, I will use it as early and as often as possible instead of keeping it in reserve.
41. Once my power is secure, I will destroy all those pesky time-travel devices.
42. When I capture the hero, I will make sure I also get his dog, monkey, ferret, or whatever sickeningly cute little animal capable of untying ropes and filching keys happens to follow him around.
43. I will maintain a healthy amount of skepticism when I capture the beautiful rebel and she claims she is attracted to my power and good looks and will gladly betray her companions if I just let her in on my plans.
44. I will only employ bounty hunters who work for money. Those who work for the pleasure of the hunt tend to do dumb things like even the odds to give the other guy a sporting chance.
45. I will make sure I have a clear understanding of who is responsible for what in my organization. For example, if my general screws up I will not draw my weapon, point it at him, say "And here is the price for failure," then suddenly turn and kill some random underling.
46. If an advisor says to me "My liege, he is but one man. What can one man possibly do?", I will reply "This." and kill the advisor.
47. If I learn that a callow youth has begun a quest to destroy me, I will slay him while he is still a callow youth instead of waiting for him to mature.
48. I will treat any beast which I control through magic or technology with respect and kindness. Thus if the control is ever broken, it will not immediately come after me for revenge.
49. If I learn the whereabouts of the one artifact which can destroy me, I will not send all my troops out to seize it. Instead I will send them out to seize something else and quietly put a Want-Ad in the local paper.
50. My main computers will have their own special operating system that will be completely incompatible with standard IBM and Macintosh powerbooks.
51. If one of my dungeon guards begins expressing concern over the conditions in the beautiful princess' cell, I will immediately transfer him to a less people-oriented position.
52. I will hire a team of board-certified architects and surveyors to examine my castle and inform me of any secret passages and abandoned tunnels that I might not know about.
53. If the beautiful princess that I capture says "I'll never marry you! Never, do you hear me, NEVER!!!", I will say "Oh well" and kill her.
54. I will not strike a bargain with a demonic being then attempt to double-cross it simply because I feel like being contrary.
55. The deformed mutants and odd-ball psychotics will have their place in my Legions of Terror. However before I send them out on important covert missions that require tact and subtlety, I will first see if there is anyone else equally qualified who would attract less attention.
56. My Legions of Terror will be trained in basic marksmanship. Any who cannot learn to hit a man-sized target at 10 meters will be used for target practice.
57. Before employing any captured artifacts or machinery, I will carefully read the owner's manual.
58. If it becomes necessary to escape, I will never stop to pose dramatically and toss off a one-liner.
59. I will never build a sentient computer smarter than I am.
60. My five-year-old child advisor will also be asked to decipher any code I am thinking of using. If he breaks the code in under 30 seconds, it will not be used. Note: this also applies to passwords.
61. If my advisors ask "Why are you risking everything on such a mad scheme?", I will not proceed until I have a response that satisfies them.
62. I will design fortress hallways with no alcoves or protruding structural supports which intruders could use for cover in a firefight.
63. Bulk trash will be disposed of in incinerators, not compactors. And they will be kept hot, with none of that nonsense about flames going through accessible tunnels at predictable intervals.
64. I will see a competent psychiatrist and get cured of all extremely unusual phobias and bizarre compulsive habits which could prove to be a disadvantage.
65. If I must have computer systems with publically available terminals, the maps they display of my complex will have a room clearly marked as the Main Control Room. That room will be the Execution Chamber. The actual main control room will be marked as Sewage Overflow Containment.
66. My security keypad will actually be a fingerprint scanner. Anyone who watches someone press a sequence of buttons or dusts the pad for fingerprints then subsequently tries to enter by repeating that sequence will trigger the alarm system.
67. No matter how many shorts we have in the system, my guards will be instructed to treat every surveillance camera malfunction as a full-scale emergency.
68. I will spare someone who saved my life sometime in the past. This is only reasonable as it encourages others to do so. However, the offer is good one time only. If they want me to spare them again, they'd better save my life again.
69. All midwives will be banned from the realm. All babies will be delivered at state-approved hospitals. Orphans will be placed in foster-homes, not abandoned in the woods to be raised by creatures of the wild.
70. When my guards split up to search for intruders, they will always travel in groups of at least two. They will be trained so that if one of them disappears mysteriously while on patrol, the other will immediately initiate an alert and call for backup, instead of quizzically peering around a corner.
71. If I decide to test a lieutenant's loyalty and see if he/she should be made a trusted lieutenant, I will have a crack squad of marksmen standing by in case the answer is no.
72. If all the heroes are standing together around a strange device and begin to taunt me, I will pull out a conventional weapon instead of using my unstoppable superweapon on them.
73. I will not agree to let the heroes go free if they win a rigged contest, even though my advisors assure me it is impossible for them to win.
74. When I create a multimedia presentation of my plan designed so that my five-year-old advisor can easily understand the details, I will not label the disk "Project Overlord" and leave it lying on top of my desk.
75. I will instruct my Legions of Terror to attack the hero en masse, instead of standing around waiting while members break off and attack one or two at a time.
76. If the hero runs up to my roof, I will not run up after him and struggle with him in an attempt to push him over the edge. I will also not engage him at the edge of a cliff. (In the middle of a rope-bridge over a river of molten lava is not even worth considering.)
77. If I have a fit of temporary insanity and decide to give the hero the chance to reject a job as my trusted lieutentant, I will retain enough sanity to wait until my current trusted lieutenant is out of earshot before making the offer.
78. I will not tell my Legions of Terror "And he must be taken alive!" The command will be "And try to take him alive if it is reasonably practical."
79. If my doomsday device happens to come with a reverse switch, as soon as it has been employed it will be melted down and made into limited-edition commemorative coins.
80. If my weakest troops fail to eliminate a hero, I will send out my best troops instead of wasting time with progressively stronger ones as he gets closer and closer to my fortress.
81. If I am fighting with the hero atop a moving platform, have disarmed him, and am about to finish him off and he glances behind me and drops flat, I too will drop flat instead of quizzically turning around to find out what he saw.
82. I will not shoot at any of my enemies if they are standing in front of the crucial support beam to a heavy, dangerous, unbalanced structure.
83. If I'm eating dinner with the hero, put poison in his goblet, then have to leave the table for any reason, I will order new drinks for both of us instead of trying to decide whether or not to switch with him.
84. I will not have captives of one sex guarded by members of the opposite sex.
85. I will not use any plan in which the final step is horribly complicated, e.g. "Align the 12 Stones of Power on the sacred altar then activate the medallion at the moment of total eclipse." Instead it will be more along the lines of "Push the button."
86. I will make sure that my doomsday device is up to code and properly grounded.
87. My vats of hazardous chemicals will be covered when not in use. Also, I will not construct walkways above them.
88. If a group of henchmen fail miserably at a task, I will not berate them for incompetence then send the same group out to try the task again.
89. After I captures the hero's superweapon, I will not immediately disband my legions and relax my guard because I believe whoever holds the weapon is unstoppable. After all, the hero held the weapon and I took it from him.
90. I will not design my Main Control Room so that every workstation is facing away from the door.
91. I will not ignore the messenger that stumbles in exhausted and obviously agitated until my personal grooming or current entertainment is finished. It might actually be important.
92. If I ever talk to the hero on the phone, I will not taunt him. Instead I will say this his dogged perseverance has given me new insight on the futility of my evil ways and that if he leaves me alone for a few months of quiet contemplation I will likely return to the path of righteousness. (Heroes are incredibly gullible in this regard.)
93. If I decide to hold a double execution of the hero and an underling who failed or betrayed me, I will see to it that the hero is scheduled to go first.
94. When arresting prisoners, my guards will not allow them to stop and grab a useless trinket of purely sentimental value.
95. My dungeon will have its own qualified medical staff complete with bodyguards. That way if a prisoner becomes sick and his cellmate tells the guard it's an emergency, the guard will fetch a trauma team instead of opening up the cell for a look.
96. My door mechanisms will be designed so that blasting the control panel on the outside seals the door and blasting the control panel on the inside opens the door, not vice versa.
97. My dungeon cells will not be furnished with objects that contain reflective surfaces or anything that can be unravelled.
98. If an attractive young couple enters my realm, I will carefully monitor their activities. If I find they are happy and affectionate, I will ignore them. However if circumstance have forced them together against their will and they spend all their time bickering and criticizing each other except during the intermittent occasions when they are saving each others' lives at which point there are hints of sexual tension, I will immediately order their execution.
99. Any data file of crucial importance will be padded to 1.45Mb in size.
100. Finally, to keep my subjects permanently locked in a mindless trance, I will provide each of them with free unlimited Internet access.
This Evil Overlord List is Copyright 1996-1997 by Peter Anspach. If you enjoy it, feel free to pass it along or post it anywhere, provided that (1) it is not altered in any way, and (2) this copyright notice is attached.
Link: Peter's Evil Overlord List
Being an Evil Overlord seems to be a good career choice. It pays well, there are all sorts of perks and you can set your own hours. However every Evil Overlord I've read about in books or seen in movies invariably gets overthrown and destroyed in the end. I've noticed that no matter whether they are barbarian lords, deranged wizards, mad scientists or alien invaders, they always seem to make the same basic mistakes every single time. With that in mind, allow me to present...
The Top 100 Things I'd Do
If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord
1. My Legions of Terror will have helmets with clear plexiglass visors, not face-concealing ones.
2. My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.
3. My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.
4. Shooting is not too good for my enemies.
5. The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box. The same applies to the object which is my one weakness.
6. I will not gloat over my enemies' predicament before killing them.
7. When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?" I'll say, "No." and shoot him. No, on second thought I'll shoot him then say "No."
8. After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks' time during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out.
9. I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labelled "Danger: Do Not Push". The big red button marked "Do Not Push" will instead trigger a spray of bullets on anyone stupid enough to disregard it. Similarly, the ON/OFF switch will not clearly be labelled as such.
10. I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum -- a small hotel well outside my borders will work just as well.
11. I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat.
12. One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation.
13. All slain enemies will be cremated, or at least have several rounds of ammunition emptied into them, not left for dead at the bottom of the cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal.
14. The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other form of last request.
15. I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his plan into operation.
16. I will never utter the sentence "But before I kill you, there's just one thing I want to know."
17. When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to their advice.
18. I will not have a son. Although his laughably under-planned attempt to usurp power would easily fail, it would provide a fatal distraction at a crucial point in time.
19. I will not have a daughter. She would be as beautiful as she was evil, but one look at the hero's rugged countenance and she'd betray her own father.
20. Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it's too easy to miss unexpected developments that a more attentive individual could adjust to accordingly.
21. I will hire a talented fashion designer to create original uniforms for my Legions of Terror, as opposed to some cheap knock-offs that make them look like Nazi stormtroopers, Roman footsoldiers, or savage Mongol hordes. All were eventually defeated and I want my troops to have a more positive mind-set.
22. No matter how tempted I am with the prospect of unlimited power, I will not consume any energy field bigger than my head.
23. I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons and train my troops in their use. That way -- even if the heroes manage to neutralize my power generator and/or render the standard-issue energy weapons useless -- my troops will not be overrun by a handful of savages armed with spears and rocks.
24. I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strengths and weaknesses. Even though this takes some of the fun out of the job, at least I will never utter the line "No, this cannot be! I AM INVINCIBLE!!!" (After that, death is usually instantaneous.)
25. No matter how well it would perform, I will never construct any sort of machinery which is completely indestructible except for one small and virtually inaccessible vulnerable spot.
26. No matter how attractive certain members of the rebellion are, there is probably someone just as attractive who is not desperate to kill me. Therefore, I will think twice before ordering a prisoner sent to my bedchamber.
27. I will never build only one of anything important. All important systems will have redundant control panels and power supplies. For the same reason I will always carry at least two fully loaded weapons at all times.
28. My pet monster will be kept in a secure cage from which it cannot escape and into which I could not accidentally stumble.
29. I will dress in bright and cheery colors, and so throw my enemies into confusion.
30. All bumbling conjurers, clumsy squires, no-talent bards, and cowardly thieves in the land will be preemptively put to death. My foes will surely give up and abandon their quest if they have no source of comic relief.
31. All naive, busty tavern wenches in my realm will be replaced with surly, world-weary waitresses who will provide no unexpected reinforcement and/or romantic subplot for the hero or his sidekick.
32. I will not fly into a rage and kill a messenger who brings me bad news just to illustrate how evil I really am. Good messengers are hard to come by.
33. I won't require high-ranking female members of my organization to wear a stainless-steel bustier. Morale is better with a more casual dress-code. Similarly, outfits made entirely from black leather will be reserved for formal occasions.
34. I will not turn into a snake. It never helps.
35. I will not grow a goatee. In the old days they made you look diabolic. Now they just make you look like a disaffected member of Generation X.
36. I will not imprison members of the same party in the same cell block, let alone the same cell. If they are important prisoners, I will keep the only key to the cell door on my person instead of handing out copies to every bottom-rung guard in the prison.
37. If my trusted lieutenant tells me my Legions of Terror are losing a battle, I will believe him. After all, he's my trusted lieutenant.
38. If an enemy I have just killed has a younger sibling or offspring anywhere, I will find them and have them killed immediately, instead of waiting for them to grow up harboring feelings of vengeance towards me in my old age.
39. If I absolutely must ride into battle, I will certainly not ride at the forefront of my Legions of Terror, nor will I seek out my opposite number among his army.
40. I will be neither chivalrous nor sporting. If I have an unstoppable superweapon, I will use it as early and as often as possible instead of keeping it in reserve.
41. Once my power is secure, I will destroy all those pesky time-travel devices.
42. When I capture the hero, I will make sure I also get his dog, monkey, ferret, or whatever sickeningly cute little animal capable of untying ropes and filching keys happens to follow him around.
43. I will maintain a healthy amount of skepticism when I capture the beautiful rebel and she claims she is attracted to my power and good looks and will gladly betray her companions if I just let her in on my plans.
44. I will only employ bounty hunters who work for money. Those who work for the pleasure of the hunt tend to do dumb things like even the odds to give the other guy a sporting chance.
45. I will make sure I have a clear understanding of who is responsible for what in my organization. For example, if my general screws up I will not draw my weapon, point it at him, say "And here is the price for failure," then suddenly turn and kill some random underling.
46. If an advisor says to me "My liege, he is but one man. What can one man possibly do?", I will reply "This." and kill the advisor.
47. If I learn that a callow youth has begun a quest to destroy me, I will slay him while he is still a callow youth instead of waiting for him to mature.
48. I will treat any beast which I control through magic or technology with respect and kindness. Thus if the control is ever broken, it will not immediately come after me for revenge.
49. If I learn the whereabouts of the one artifact which can destroy me, I will not send all my troops out to seize it. Instead I will send them out to seize something else and quietly put a Want-Ad in the local paper.
50. My main computers will have their own special operating system that will be completely incompatible with standard IBM and Macintosh powerbooks.
51. If one of my dungeon guards begins expressing concern over the conditions in the beautiful princess' cell, I will immediately transfer him to a less people-oriented position.
52. I will hire a team of board-certified architects and surveyors to examine my castle and inform me of any secret passages and abandoned tunnels that I might not know about.
53. If the beautiful princess that I capture says "I'll never marry you! Never, do you hear me, NEVER!!!", I will say "Oh well" and kill her.
54. I will not strike a bargain with a demonic being then attempt to double-cross it simply because I feel like being contrary.
55. The deformed mutants and odd-ball psychotics will have their place in my Legions of Terror. However before I send them out on important covert missions that require tact and subtlety, I will first see if there is anyone else equally qualified who would attract less attention.
56. My Legions of Terror will be trained in basic marksmanship. Any who cannot learn to hit a man-sized target at 10 meters will be used for target practice.
57. Before employing any captured artifacts or machinery, I will carefully read the owner's manual.
58. If it becomes necessary to escape, I will never stop to pose dramatically and toss off a one-liner.
59. I will never build a sentient computer smarter than I am.
60. My five-year-old child advisor will also be asked to decipher any code I am thinking of using. If he breaks the code in under 30 seconds, it will not be used. Note: this also applies to passwords.
61. If my advisors ask "Why are you risking everything on such a mad scheme?", I will not proceed until I have a response that satisfies them.
62. I will design fortress hallways with no alcoves or protruding structural supports which intruders could use for cover in a firefight.
63. Bulk trash will be disposed of in incinerators, not compactors. And they will be kept hot, with none of that nonsense about flames going through accessible tunnels at predictable intervals.
64. I will see a competent psychiatrist and get cured of all extremely unusual phobias and bizarre compulsive habits which could prove to be a disadvantage.
65. If I must have computer systems with publically available terminals, the maps they display of my complex will have a room clearly marked as the Main Control Room. That room will be the Execution Chamber. The actual main control room will be marked as Sewage Overflow Containment.
66. My security keypad will actually be a fingerprint scanner. Anyone who watches someone press a sequence of buttons or dusts the pad for fingerprints then subsequently tries to enter by repeating that sequence will trigger the alarm system.
67. No matter how many shorts we have in the system, my guards will be instructed to treat every surveillance camera malfunction as a full-scale emergency.
68. I will spare someone who saved my life sometime in the past. This is only reasonable as it encourages others to do so. However, the offer is good one time only. If they want me to spare them again, they'd better save my life again.
69. All midwives will be banned from the realm. All babies will be delivered at state-approved hospitals. Orphans will be placed in foster-homes, not abandoned in the woods to be raised by creatures of the wild.
70. When my guards split up to search for intruders, they will always travel in groups of at least two. They will be trained so that if one of them disappears mysteriously while on patrol, the other will immediately initiate an alert and call for backup, instead of quizzically peering around a corner.
71. If I decide to test a lieutenant's loyalty and see if he/she should be made a trusted lieutenant, I will have a crack squad of marksmen standing by in case the answer is no.
72. If all the heroes are standing together around a strange device and begin to taunt me, I will pull out a conventional weapon instead of using my unstoppable superweapon on them.
73. I will not agree to let the heroes go free if they win a rigged contest, even though my advisors assure me it is impossible for them to win.
74. When I create a multimedia presentation of my plan designed so that my five-year-old advisor can easily understand the details, I will not label the disk "Project Overlord" and leave it lying on top of my desk.
75. I will instruct my Legions of Terror to attack the hero en masse, instead of standing around waiting while members break off and attack one or two at a time.
76. If the hero runs up to my roof, I will not run up after him and struggle with him in an attempt to push him over the edge. I will also not engage him at the edge of a cliff. (In the middle of a rope-bridge over a river of molten lava is not even worth considering.)
77. If I have a fit of temporary insanity and decide to give the hero the chance to reject a job as my trusted lieutentant, I will retain enough sanity to wait until my current trusted lieutenant is out of earshot before making the offer.
78. I will not tell my Legions of Terror "And he must be taken alive!" The command will be "And try to take him alive if it is reasonably practical."
79. If my doomsday device happens to come with a reverse switch, as soon as it has been employed it will be melted down and made into limited-edition commemorative coins.
80. If my weakest troops fail to eliminate a hero, I will send out my best troops instead of wasting time with progressively stronger ones as he gets closer and closer to my fortress.
81. If I am fighting with the hero atop a moving platform, have disarmed him, and am about to finish him off and he glances behind me and drops flat, I too will drop flat instead of quizzically turning around to find out what he saw.
82. I will not shoot at any of my enemies if they are standing in front of the crucial support beam to a heavy, dangerous, unbalanced structure.
83. If I'm eating dinner with the hero, put poison in his goblet, then have to leave the table for any reason, I will order new drinks for both of us instead of trying to decide whether or not to switch with him.
84. I will not have captives of one sex guarded by members of the opposite sex.
85. I will not use any plan in which the final step is horribly complicated, e.g. "Align the 12 Stones of Power on the sacred altar then activate the medallion at the moment of total eclipse." Instead it will be more along the lines of "Push the button."
86. I will make sure that my doomsday device is up to code and properly grounded.
87. My vats of hazardous chemicals will be covered when not in use. Also, I will not construct walkways above them.
88. If a group of henchmen fail miserably at a task, I will not berate them for incompetence then send the same group out to try the task again.
89. After I captures the hero's superweapon, I will not immediately disband my legions and relax my guard because I believe whoever holds the weapon is unstoppable. After all, the hero held the weapon and I took it from him.
90. I will not design my Main Control Room so that every workstation is facing away from the door.
91. I will not ignore the messenger that stumbles in exhausted and obviously agitated until my personal grooming or current entertainment is finished. It might actually be important.
92. If I ever talk to the hero on the phone, I will not taunt him. Instead I will say this his dogged perseverance has given me new insight on the futility of my evil ways and that if he leaves me alone for a few months of quiet contemplation I will likely return to the path of righteousness. (Heroes are incredibly gullible in this regard.)
93. If I decide to hold a double execution of the hero and an underling who failed or betrayed me, I will see to it that the hero is scheduled to go first.
94. When arresting prisoners, my guards will not allow them to stop and grab a useless trinket of purely sentimental value.
95. My dungeon will have its own qualified medical staff complete with bodyguards. That way if a prisoner becomes sick and his cellmate tells the guard it's an emergency, the guard will fetch a trauma team instead of opening up the cell for a look.
96. My door mechanisms will be designed so that blasting the control panel on the outside seals the door and blasting the control panel on the inside opens the door, not vice versa.
97. My dungeon cells will not be furnished with objects that contain reflective surfaces or anything that can be unravelled.
98. If an attractive young couple enters my realm, I will carefully monitor their activities. If I find they are happy and affectionate, I will ignore them. However if circumstance have forced them together against their will and they spend all their time bickering and criticizing each other except during the intermittent occasions when they are saving each others' lives at which point there are hints of sexual tension, I will immediately order their execution.
99. Any data file of crucial importance will be padded to 1.45Mb in size.
100. Finally, to keep my subjects permanently locked in a mindless trance, I will provide each of them with free unlimited Internet access.
This Evil Overlord List is Copyright 1996-1997 by Peter Anspach. If you enjoy it, feel free to pass it along or post it anywhere, provided that (1) it is not altered in any way, and (2) this copyright notice is attached.
Link: Peter's Evil Overlord List
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
The Hoke, the Poke...and How to be an Evil Overlord
First of all, I want to thank Lexcade for bringing this awesome website to my attention: Top 100 Evil Overlord Activities. It's all about how to become (and, more importantly, how to REMAIN) a successful Evil Overlord, and it's just fantastic. I remember seeing this years and years ago, but I'd almost forgotten about it. I may actually just copy & paste the whole darn thing up on my blog tomorrow, because it's Just. That. Awesome.
Ok, I found this little gem online a while back, and I just had to share it with everyone. I'm not sure who wrote it, but he or she is a genius:
O proud left foot, that ventures quick within
Then soon upon a backward journey lithe
Anon, once more the gesture, then begin:
Command sinistral pedestal to writhe.
Commence thou then the fervid Hokey-Poke,
A mad gyration, hips in wanton swirl.
To spin! A wilde release from Heaven's yoke.
Blessed dervish! Surely canst go, girl.
The Hoke, the poke -- banish now thy doubt!
Verily, I say, 'tis what it's all about.
Ok, I found this little gem online a while back, and I just had to share it with everyone. I'm not sure who wrote it, but he or she is a genius:
O proud left foot, that ventures quick within
Then soon upon a backward journey lithe
Anon, once more the gesture, then begin:
Command sinistral pedestal to writhe.
Commence thou then the fervid Hokey-Poke,
A mad gyration, hips in wanton swirl.
To spin! A wilde release from Heaven's yoke.
Blessed dervish! Surely canst go, girl.
The Hoke, the poke -- banish now thy doubt!
Verily, I say, 'tis what it's all about.
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Odd Blog Traffic
I don't know about you guys, but I get a kick out of checking my stats and seeing which posts have gotten the most lookie-loos, how many people checked out my blog today, and where people link from.
But a couple of days ago, I started noticing some...odd...referring URLs. Porno URLs, to be specific. I saw all the X-es and was like, "WTF????" I didn't believe it at first. I thought, surely I'm mistaken, and these aren't REALLY porn sites. So, yes, I actually clicked on the URL and...yep, that's some porn, alright.
Apparently I've been getting 7-8 hits per day from at least two different pornographic websites. I glanced through my previous posts to see if there are any words or phrases that might have triggered such a thing. The only thing that jumped out at me was from my previous Creativity Exercise: "Q: Do you like happy endings? A: I don't frequent massage parlors, thank you." Ok, so maybe Google might mistake that for a triple-x keyword. Whopsie-doodle!
But while I didn't exactly stick around to explore the inner workings of said porn site, I don't remember seeing a 'google search' bar there, either. So why would a porno site refer its clientele to a writing blog? Or anywhere else, for that matter...don't they want them to stay there? Is it some weird advertising mix-up?
I'm not even mad; I'm just curious.
Any ideas why this might be happening? Have any of you notice odd referring URLs or websites in your blogger statistics?
But a couple of days ago, I started noticing some...odd...referring URLs. Porno URLs, to be specific. I saw all the X-es and was like, "WTF????" I didn't believe it at first. I thought, surely I'm mistaken, and these aren't REALLY porn sites. So, yes, I actually clicked on the URL and...yep, that's some porn, alright.
Apparently I've been getting 7-8 hits per day from at least two different pornographic websites. I glanced through my previous posts to see if there are any words or phrases that might have triggered such a thing. The only thing that jumped out at me was from my previous Creativity Exercise: "Q: Do you like happy endings? A: I don't frequent massage parlors, thank you." Ok, so maybe Google might mistake that for a triple-x keyword. Whopsie-doodle!
But while I didn't exactly stick around to explore the inner workings of said porn site, I don't remember seeing a 'google search' bar there, either. So why would a porno site refer its clientele to a writing blog? Or anywhere else, for that matter...don't they want them to stay there? Is it some weird advertising mix-up?
I'm not even mad; I'm just curious.
Any ideas why this might be happening? Have any of you notice odd referring URLs or websites in your blogger statistics?
Monday, July 11, 2011
Book Review: The Way of Kings by Brandon Sanderson
It’s been a long time since I’ve enjoyed a good epic fantasy. The operative word being “enjoyed.”
The Way of Kings by Brandon Sanderson may have been over 1,000 pages long, but it didn’t read like it. He’s one of my favorite authors – I’ve read Elantris 7 or 8 times by itself – and I’d been looking forward to this book for some time.
The main storyline revolves around the war sparked when the black-and-red-skinned Parshendi assassinated the Alethi King. Ten years after the war began, it has devolved into a competition between the Alethi princes for the gemstone hearts of the giant crustacean-like monsters who inhabit the battlefield. Only one of the princes, the Brightlord Dalinar Kholin, sees a problem with this, but his nightmarish visions of the end of the world have alienated him from his peers and made his judgment suspect.
The plot was incredible complex, mostly following the stories of several main characters: a former soldier turned slave, forced to labor under the infamous “bridge crews” who are essentially human shields to protect the real warriors from enemy arrows. A thief masquerading as a scholar to steal a priceless magical artifact and save her family. A paranoid young king who sees assassination plots in even his most trusted of advisors. An enslaved assassin with the ability to manipulate the forces of gravity who despises the murderous acts his masters force him to commit. A spren – largely unintelligent, fairy-like creatures attuned to very specific elements like pain, wind, or glory – who is becoming sentient as the human she is fixated with grows back his soul.
All the worldbuilding is detailed and very well done, but it does make for a somewhat slow start. So if you mean to dive into it, bring your patience.There was a good amount of repetition throughout the book; for example, I lost count of how many times Sanderson repeated that the Parshendi were not the same creatures as the enslaved parshmen, even though they looked exactly alike. I kept waiting for that to become relevant, but it didn’t – at least in this book. There isn’t much action for it being 1,000 pages long, and, as it is apparently the first novel in an anticipated 10-novel-long series, nothing is really wrapped up by the end. It’s a thousand pages long, but at the end you feel like nothing’s happened yet.
That being said, it was brilliantly written and engaging, I cared about all of the characters, and it read very quickly despite its length. I’m definitely going to read the next one even if it’s 2,000 pages. The world itself was staggering in scope but not so unfamiliar that it alienated the reader; humans are humans and dogs are dogs, although most other life forms seem to be giant crustaceans (which is actually kinda cool; the last time I encountered any kind of giant crustacean was in Stephen King’s The Drawing of the Three). Each nation was well-crafted and explored, and each vastly different that the last. One nation is plagued by 'Highstorms' so powerful that they whip building-sized boulders through the air likfe confetti and the plants themselves have learned how to move out of the way. Another is filled with creatures who consider all forms of stone holy.
I could go on for a long, long time about this book. But if you enjoy epic fantasy, you’ll enjoy this. I really liked it, and I'll probably read it again just before the next book comes out.
Amazon page for The Way of Kings by Brandon Sanderson
Publisher’s Info for The Way of Kings:
· Hardcover: 1008 pages
· Publisher: Tor Books (August 31, 2010)
· ISBN-10: 0765326353
· ISBN-13: 978-0765326355
Thursday, July 7, 2011
Creativity Exercise #11
1. Has your heart ever pounded in your chest?
No, it usually pounds in my lower back.
2. What is your favorite band?
The band I prefer above all others
3. Do you like happy endings?
I don’t frequent massage parlors, thank you
4. Do you believe Alaska is covered in snow?
Of course not. That’s cocaine.
5. Are you ever purposely irritating?
If you’re allergic to my awesomeness, that’s not my fault
6. What’s your darkest secret?
The one that could send me to either prison or Hell. Likely both.
7. If a blind guy/girl started hitting on you, what would you do?
“I’m flattered, but no thank you. And it’s not because you’re blind. It’s because I’m not into guy/girls. I’m a hardline heterosexual. Good luck to you.”
8. Do you speak your mind?
No, but I do listen my foot and run my hair.
9. Ever been caught naked?
No, I’m quite slippery when naked. I squirt through your fingers like the greased-up deaf guy from Family Guy.
10. Name the stupidest thing you’ve ever done
Ok. I’ll call it ‘Hank.’
11. You ever lied to your parents?
No. Never. Not once. Who needs to lie to their parents? Certainly not while I was a teenager or a toddler or anything. I can’t think of a single solitary child who has ever had occasion to lie to their parents. Ever.
12. Can you outrun a bus?
I can outrun anything as long as it’s going slow enough
13. Have your feelings changed throughout your life?
No, I’ve always felt exactly like this, in every situation, at every age, no matter what. My wedding day was the exact same as the day my timing belt broke and the day I played sick from work.
14. Why do you think bad things happen to good people?
Probably because they did something to anger God
15. What’s in your underwear drawer?
Old McRib wrappers and flea & tick shampoo
16. What’s in the trunk of your car?
3,245 copies of Game Boy's ‘Zelda’ and some aluminum foil
17. Have you ever been on drugs and not known why?
No
18. Have you ever been beaten up because you weren’t cool enough?
No, I only got beaten up for being too cool. Too popular, they say. Too talented and awesome.
19. Have you ever not had a roof above your head?
No, I carry one with me wherever I go. The pool, the mailbox, yard sales, the grocery store…
20. Did you ever have to live without seeing one of your birth parents?
Never. One (if not both) is within my line of sight at all times, even when I am asleep.
No, it usually pounds in my lower back.
2. What is your favorite band?
The band I prefer above all others
3. Do you like happy endings?
I don’t frequent massage parlors, thank you
4. Do you believe Alaska is covered in snow?
Of course not. That’s cocaine.
5. Are you ever purposely irritating?
If you’re allergic to my awesomeness, that’s not my fault
6. What’s your darkest secret?
The one that could send me to either prison or Hell. Likely both.
7. If a blind guy/girl started hitting on you, what would you do?
“I’m flattered, but no thank you. And it’s not because you’re blind. It’s because I’m not into guy/girls. I’m a hardline heterosexual. Good luck to you.”
8. Do you speak your mind?
No, but I do listen my foot and run my hair.
9. Ever been caught naked?
No, I’m quite slippery when naked. I squirt through your fingers like the greased-up deaf guy from Family Guy.
10. Name the stupidest thing you’ve ever done
Ok. I’ll call it ‘Hank.’
11. You ever lied to your parents?
No. Never. Not once. Who needs to lie to their parents? Certainly not while I was a teenager or a toddler or anything. I can’t think of a single solitary child who has ever had occasion to lie to their parents. Ever.
12. Can you outrun a bus?
I can outrun anything as long as it’s going slow enough
13. Have your feelings changed throughout your life?
No, I’ve always felt exactly like this, in every situation, at every age, no matter what. My wedding day was the exact same as the day my timing belt broke and the day I played sick from work.
14. Why do you think bad things happen to good people?
Probably because they did something to anger God
15. What’s in your underwear drawer?
Old McRib wrappers and flea & tick shampoo
16. What’s in the trunk of your car?
3,245 copies of Game Boy's ‘Zelda’ and some aluminum foil
17. Have you ever been on drugs and not known why?
No
18. Have you ever been beaten up because you weren’t cool enough?
No, I only got beaten up for being too cool. Too popular, they say. Too talented and awesome.
19. Have you ever not had a roof above your head?
No, I carry one with me wherever I go. The pool, the mailbox, yard sales, the grocery store…
20. Did you ever have to live without seeing one of your birth parents?
Never. One (if not both) is within my line of sight at all times, even when I am asleep.
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
Book Review: Full Dark, No Stars by Stephen King
I finished this up a few weeks ago, but I’ve been so busy that I haven’t had time to write a review of it until now.
Full Dark, No Stars is Stephen King’s latest collection of novellas. And boy, is it dark. Not quite as much of the supernatural as I’d like, but then, I tend to prefer the fantasy & sci-fi stuff. Still, it was a really enjoyable book, just like Under the Dome and Duma Key before it, so I think it’s safe to say that Mr. King is out of his writing funk (thank you, dear Lord in Heaven!).
1922 is the story of a pre-depression farmer who talks his son into helping him kill his wife to prevent her from selling their farmland to a hog farm. The business is messier than anticipated, and the son has second thoughts almost immediately. Then things begin to go wrong. You’re never quite sure if the murderous duo are being haunted or have simply gone mad. The end was a little slow, and the story has definitely been told before, but it was dark and gruesome and chock full of rats.
Big Driver was straight horror, nothing supernatural about it, although it did inspire me to write my little rant a few weeks ago about how everyone should know how to change a tire. When Tess, a cozy mystery writer coming back from a speaking engagement, takes a shortcut through a small town, she finds a trap laid in the form of nail-riddled boards scattered all over the road. Unable to change her own dang tire, she waits helplessly until a seven-foot-tall psychopath comes along. He taunts her, rapes her, and leaves her for dead in a culvert alongside his other victims. But Tess survives, and she emerges from the ditch a different woman with revenge on her mind.
A Good Marriage felt a lot like a certain television show I enjoy quite a bit. I won’t say which one, since that would be giving a little too much away. It’s the tale of an average housewife with an average marriage who suddenly finds something terrible about her husband of 27 years. This dark and horrifying secret haunts her as she considers what will happen to her and her family if this information were to get out, and in the end she makes a somewhat surprising decision.
As I said, this was a dark book. At the end Stephen King even quasi-apologizes for how bleak the tales are, and promises something a little brighter next time. I, however, really enjoy a good dark tale every once in awhile. If you like horror, if you’re in the mood for something a little dreary and twisted, by all means pick up Full Dark, No Stars. It’s nice to see him writing good stuff again after spitting out literary abominations like Lisey’s Story and Cell.
Publisher's Information:
· Hardcover: 384 pages
· Publisher: Scribner; First Edition (November 9, 2010)
· ISBN-10: 1439192561
· ISBN-13: 978-1439192566
Monday, July 4, 2011
Happy 235th Birthday, America!
It's the best country in the world!
We had a great time last night. Lots of neighbors came out to wave and give us a thumbs-up for all our fireworks. One group of people shouted "WE LOVE YOU!!" and cheered at our big fancy mortar shells. Lots of food, lots of friends and family, and, most important, lots and lots of fireworks.
We had two downers at the end of the night, however. One neighbor from two streets over came by as we were wrapping up our fireworks show and just screamed at us about how late it was (really, dude? 10:30 PM on a holiday when nobody has to get up tomorrow? Pansy.), and an EXTREMELY rude woman in a minivan who was driving around the neighborhood cursing out everyone who was shooting off fireworks (there were at least 5 or 6 other people we could see from our front lawn shooting them off). We were actually done when she came by. We were sweeping up the street (we ALWAYS clean up after ourselves) and she rolled up and let loose a bunch of F-bombs in front of the kids and God and everyone. Unnecessary. I'm sorry that your marriage is bad and you hate your life, lady, but don't take your misery out on us. We're just trying to have a good time.
It brought the whole night down, of course. And since she's probably a busybody soccer mom with no job and nothing better to do with her unhappiness but spread it to others, I'm sure she'll spend her 24 hours of free time per day writing angry letters to the HOA until they ban fireworks next year. It only takes one nasty, determined a-hole who hates her life to spoil everything for everyone else.
But other than those two sad, sad people, we had a blast.
I hope everyone has a safe and awesome 4th of July!!
We had a great time last night. Lots of neighbors came out to wave and give us a thumbs-up for all our fireworks. One group of people shouted "WE LOVE YOU!!" and cheered at our big fancy mortar shells. Lots of food, lots of friends and family, and, most important, lots and lots of fireworks.
We had two downers at the end of the night, however. One neighbor from two streets over came by as we were wrapping up our fireworks show and just screamed at us about how late it was (really, dude? 10:30 PM on a holiday when nobody has to get up tomorrow? Pansy.), and an EXTREMELY rude woman in a minivan who was driving around the neighborhood cursing out everyone who was shooting off fireworks (there were at least 5 or 6 other people we could see from our front lawn shooting them off). We were actually done when she came by. We were sweeping up the street (we ALWAYS clean up after ourselves) and she rolled up and let loose a bunch of F-bombs in front of the kids and God and everyone. Unnecessary. I'm sorry that your marriage is bad and you hate your life, lady, but don't take your misery out on us. We're just trying to have a good time.
It brought the whole night down, of course. And since she's probably a busybody soccer mom with no job and nothing better to do with her unhappiness but spread it to others, I'm sure she'll spend her 24 hours of free time per day writing angry letters to the HOA until they ban fireworks next year. It only takes one nasty, determined a-hole who hates her life to spoil everything for everyone else.
But other than those two sad, sad people, we had a blast.
I hope everyone has a safe and awesome 4th of July!!
Sunday, July 3, 2011
Let the preparations commence!
Made 3 batches of cupcakes last night (a grand total of 72, sans a few that my husband snuck while I wasn't looking. The house is clean, the laundry is done, the dogs have been fed...now all that's left to do is the veggie tray, fruit tray, cheese & sausage tray, potato salad, hamburgers, hot dogs, BBQ chicken, bratwurst, and entertaining the 1-2 dozen people that will be here in a few hours.
HUZZAH!!!
Saturday, July 2, 2011
Decorations are up!
Ugh, I hate my camera. It does ok with the daytime pictures, but at night...ah, well. As you can see, the house is all decked out in her patriotic best, complete with red, white, & blue lights and paper lanterns with LED lights, and we're all ready for the fire department. We bought about $20 worth of more fireworks (and if I had $200, we'd ave spent that too), the food is ready to go, and my fingers are itchin' to strike a match.
We're working on our fireworks playlist now. We have all the military marches and your usual patriotic stuff like "God Bless America," "Coming to America," the National Anthem, "Only in America," etc., as well as some rockin songs that aren't necessarily specific to the 4th of July but do go well with blowing things up, like AC/DC's "TNT" and "Ride of the Valkyries." Also "R.O.C.K. in the USA and "Pink Houses," etc. Altogether we have 33 songs on deck.
NOT ENOUGH, I SAY!!
Anyone have any other ideas for some good fireworks music? Patriotic is preferred, of course, but "Light my Fire" and "Dynamite"-esque songs are also acceptable.
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