Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Arguing with my embryo

Embryo:  I have decided that sleep is for chumps, and I won't have a chump for a mother. You're welcome.

Me:  What do you know?  You're the size of a jelly bean.  Go. To. Sleep.

Embryo:  Um, no. Also, I rather enjoy this peeing thing, so you'll be doing that more often. Probably instead of sleeping.

Me:  You know, you're not too small for me to come in there and spank you.

Embryo:  Is that SASS I hear?  Are you SASSING me?  Just for that, beef is going to smell like hot garbage and week-old roadkill for at least the next week and a half.

Me:  Don't test me. If you're old enough argue with me, then maybe you don't need those stinky prenatal vitamins that give me the fish burps for three hours anymore.

Embryo:  Hey, if you want a half-retarded baby, that's on you.

Me:  If you're going to keep me up anyway, then maybe I'll take up drinking coffee and tequila. I bet you'll fall asleep if you're drunk.

Embryo:  Guess what?  You're going to crave cat food at some point during your pregnancy. I'm not going to say when or for how long, but it's happening.  Brace yourself.  Also, I'm going to love Dad the most. 

Me:  This is what I get for taking those expensive vitamins. An evil genius jelly bean baby.  Awesome.

Embryo:  Ain't it though?

Me:  "Ain't" is not a word.  You will use correct grammar while in the womb.  I won't have my offspring sounding like an ignoramus.

Embryo:  Don't make me take away ice cream.

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